May

13

Update: Horrorfest 2007

Posted by Movie_Maven

May 13, 2008 |

Apparently I erred, inadvertently leaving Tooth and Nail off my last post regarding the ‘8 Films to Die For’ movies this season.  (My profuse apologies to everyone involved in the making of this film.)

Well, to update you, dear readers.  We did, in fact, watch The Deaths of Ian Stone, Tooth and Nail, Mulberry Street, and Frontier(s) last night.

Ian Stone and Frontier(s) were, perhaps, my favorite of the bunch, actually keeping my interest.  Ian Stone had a quasi-interesting story and Frontier(s) was just sick (I like that in a movie actually.)  Also, this movie is French (w/English subtitles); therefore, I was able to put my 5 years of jr. high/high school French curricula into some use as well. 

I must comment, however, on my disappointment factor for the rest of the films.  Granted, 88 minutes is not that long, but when viewing a monotonously-paced, poorly-acted, laughably-scripted, cliche-laden group of movies, 88 minutes equates to watching a PBA bowling marathon.

Apparently, however, Frontier(s) isn’t really a Horrorfest 2007 film; as I read that it was yanked and replaced with Crazy Eights (stupid, stupid, stupid)…SO, I still need to see Unearthed in order to be able to say that I did, in fact, see them all.  And whether that is an accomplishment, I really can’t say.

Not to mention the glaring technical errors which proliferated throughout the collective 720 minutes or so of celluloid.  Of course, when faced with the idea of actually watching these movies or analyzing them for realism, I emphatically chose the latter.

Let’s use Tooth and Nail, shall we?  I figure I owed this film something for mistakenly leaving it off my first blog.  So, here goes (SPOILER alert):

1.  When killing a futuristic cannibal who has just eaten your friends after you drugged the bodies so the cannibals would, in fact, be drugged as well; it is not necessary to waste ammunition decorating his body with lead, when a skillfully placed bullet to the brain stem will do the job and leave you an ammo safety cushion.

2.  When using a compound bow to kill the aforementioned cannibals - and this is cardinal rule of bowhunters everywhere - pick up your discarded (or blood-encrusted) arrows.  These things are expensive, ya know.  Also, and my not-usually astute husband noticed (but given the fact that he is an avid bowhunter I am really not that surprised) that when the bow was used by Viper (guy) the arrow penetrated the skull of one of the cannibals which meant that there was at least a 70 lb draw weight.  However, when Dakota (girl) used the same bow, first of all she wouldn’t have been able to draw that kind of weight, and secondly, the arrow she shot into another cannibal’s leg would have gone through-and-through.  (I am glad he was paying attention though.)

3.  When using an axe, meat cleaver, spiked baseball bat, or other instrument capable of inflicting serious blunt force trauma by swinging it above your head and then down upon the victim, blood splatter would decorate the ceiling and the weapon-wielding maniac’s face in a relatively linear configuration, NOT in a large blob upon the glass door to the room in which the carnage occurred.  (And yes, I have a criminal justice/forensics degree.)

4.  When inhabiting a post-apocalyptic abandoned hospital with no electricity, it is fine to use injectable pharmaceuticals to save your friend’s massive flesh wound-induced infection even if the label clearly states that it must be refrigerated.

Well, there are my two cents.  Hopefully Horrorfest 2008 contains a stronger group of horror films.

I do have to say, this is a very cool poster!

toothnail2big.jpg


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